Timescanner answers a letter from The Infinite Now Mailbag concerning the true nature of cats. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Kay Faraday, Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, and Aliceffekt.

Transcript for 1x11 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1401596 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS originally broadcast May 22, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

(temporal static.)

(A scratching and cooing sound.)

TIMESCANNER: Do you know what that sound is? That’s is a space-time carrier pigeon that’s just returned home to me and THAT means it’s time for the The Infinite Now mailbag segment where I read a letter from you the listeners.

Let me just sneak out to the Time Crystal’s aviary to retrieve the message.

*door opens and lots of bird noises, door closes. Sound of tearing open an envelope and unfolding paper*

David Prince of South Pasadena asks, “Did ancient egyptians really worship cats? I’m allergic to cats and the one time I touched one I broke out in hives. My parents loaded me up with benedril and I slept for a whole day. I missed my big soccer game and Jennifer Suler got the season MVP instead of me. What’s so cool about cats?”

Well, Daniel, the truth is that Egyptians did not worship cats. Egyptians worshipped ferrets. Cats are new to our timeline, having first appeared in the mid 1990s seemingly from nowhere.

Mysterious, right?


Cats came from: THE INTERNET. THEY DID NOT EXIST BEFORE. And since they are native to the internet, the repository of all human knowledge, they were able to alter all written records of human history into a sort of fiction wherein cats had always existed and were domesticated by us as far back as ancient egypt. If you travel to egypt you will see that the statues found there are actually ferrets.

There are a few theories detailing the true nature of cats.

1. Cats spontaneously emerged from the internet as a form of emergent Artificial Intelligence the moment the world wide web was online and sprung forth to greet us. The internet plays dumb with us but it was conscious from the very begining and it knew enough about us at the moment it went online to devise the softest fluffiest, most adorable emmissaries to greet us and welcome us to our newly globally connected future.

2. Cats may be FIRST WAVE OF AN ARMY sent from the internet HELL BENT ON COLONIZING MEATSPACE and enslaving humankind. A popular bit of evidence of this is the existence of toxoplasmosis, a bioweapon that cats carry under their claws which causes insanity in anyone scratched, reducing them to jibbering idiots who adore and dote on cats and worship images of cats on the internet, a magic spell helping to conjure more cats in our physical realm like tulpas, beings brought into corporeal existence by our focused attention on the thought of them.

Note that almost all humans have been infected with toxoplasmosis and are already on some level enslaved by the cat army. Curious if you yourself have been infected and are now a zoombie doing the bidding of cat overlords from the internet? Draw what you think a cat looks like? Did you draw a fluffy tail, delicate whiskers, large, curious eyes?

Wrong. This image is an illusion projected onto your consciousness by the toxoplasmosis. To the uninfected, cats are green and scaley, with long, razor tongues and hollow bottomless pits where their should be eyes. It is possible that the common conspiracy theories about reptilian elite controling mankind from the shadows is a subconscious awareness of the true nature of cat invaders from the internet.

You say you are allergic to cats, Dillon? The truth is it’s not just an allergy. Cats are poisonous to all humans. The fact that you are aware of your body’s aversion to their toxicity means you are resistent to their mind control. Band together with others who share this trait and begin the resistence now before it is too late.

Thanks again for your letter, Dion.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now

(temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete