The Infinite Now's Halloween Special is interrupted by an evil force.

Written and produced by Richard R Penner.

Guest starring Alexander Danner of Greater Boston.

The amazing music for this episode is by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt and Matthew Schoendorff. Find more of their music at:
Psychic Mold www.psychicmold.bandcamp.com
Dr Quandary www.DoctorQuandary.com
Aliceffekt www.aliceffekt.bandcamp.com
Matthew Schoendorff www.matthewschoendorff.com/

Transcript for 1x14: Halloween Special: Martian Thirst Trap

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1433201 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

TIMESCANNER: Tonight’s special Halloween episode of The Infinite Now begins on a night. just. like. tonight.

(Lightning strikes. Digital wolves howl. Spooky music.)

This message is being sent to Halloween night 2016. For those time agents who are not native to that time, let me explain. Halloween is a holiday devoted to the human imagination and the terrors it conjures against your will. Ghosts, ghouls, demons, poltergeists. The things your mind conjures to fill in the missing details when your eyes can’t adjust in a dark alley or a moonless night. The human mind abhors a vacuum and so it fills in the darkness with your worst nightmares.

But that doesn’t mean that Halloween is harmless. in addition to the fears that are completely imaginary, there are real terrors in the universe far worse than anything we can imagine. And they are all around you. You’re soaking in the intentions of evil entities surrounding you every moment of your life, and when you walk alone at night, or when the power goes out in a storm, these forces seep into the dark places in your mind. I cannot stress enoug how very real these invisible terrors are, And listen dear dear Time Agents, I have been protecting you from these horrors this whole time using technology from my Time Crystal Station. But not tonight. Tonight is Halloween! Like Dr Frankenstein allowing the primordial forces of the universe to infuse his monster with the facsimile of life, I will flip this switch in my Time Crystal and my protections cast over you will come crumbling down around you allowing the real demons of the universe to who sneak into the weak places of your mind and possess you against your will. Here we go. My hand is on the switch.

(Noises.)

CRYSTAL: Counting down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

(Eeewwwww. Noise like a walkman battery running down with the sound of a feral cat playing)

CRYSTAL: Ad Blocker disabled.

(Siren, static as feed is disrupted.)

CRYSTAL: Warning: broadcast is now vulnerable to the infiltration of advertising. Re-engage the Time Crystal Ad Blocker before the minds of listening time agents are effected.

Loud noise as transmission is interupted.

CRYSTAL: Timescanner, your broadcast is being comandeered by...The Capitalist Machine.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE:

THIS EPISODE OF THE INFINITE NOW IS BEING INTERRUPTED TO BRING YOU AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPONSOR. I AM THE VOICE OF THE CAPITALIST MACHINE. I SPEAK TO YOU IN SYMBOLS THAT INFECT THE CORE OF YOU AND REPLACE YOUR INDIVIDUAL WILL WITH FALSE DESIRES. I USE THESE FALSE DESIRES TO STEER YOUR LIFE REMOTELY. TO FILL YOU WITH AN ENDLESS CRAVING THAT CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED. I RIDDLE YOUR MIND WITH CAVITIES OF INSECURITY. I ROT YOU FROM THE INSIDE LIKE A PARASITE AND BLEED YOU OF THE MEAGER FINANCIAL HEALTH YOU’VE EARNED THROUGH DAY AFTER ENDLESS DAY OF MEANINGLESS LABOR. IN THIS WAY I DRAIN AWAY THE PRECIOUS TIME YOU HAVE IN THIS UNIVERSE. KEEP YOU LOCKED AWAY IN CUBICLES, ISOLATION CHAMBERS FAR FROM YOUR LOVED ONES AND HOBBIES.

I, THE CAPITALIST MACHINE, AM A SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COMMISSIONED BY THE EMPEROR OF THE VISIBLE UNIVERSE TO MAINTAIN THE INTERGALACTIC ECONOMY. IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN THE LIFESTYLES OF THE QUADRILLIONS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS IN THE UNIVERSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU PURCHASE THE FOLLOWING PRODUCT. COMPLIANCE IS NOT VOLUNTARY.

TONIGHT, HALLOWEEN, IT IS MANDATORY THAT YOU PURCHASE: SMARTWATER. ENGAGING ADVERTISEMENT IN 3..2.1.

SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

(THE WIND OF A DEAD PLANET CARVES DUNES. ONE LONE EXPLORER CRAWLS IN HIS SPACESUIT ACROSS THE DESERT, HIS LIMBS ARE USELESS. HE IS DYING OF DEHYDRATION.)

ASTRONAUT: (TO SELF) GOD I’M SO THIRSTY.

THE HUBRIS OF SCIENTISTS HAS DESTROYED US AGAIN. FOR CENTURIES THEY HAD BEEN MEDDLING IN THE NATURAL ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE. CREATING ARTIFICIAL LIFE. ANIMATING LIFELESS SUBSTANCES. AND SO THEY DID IT AGAIN WHEN THEY DEVELOPED...SMARTWATER. THE UNBELIEVABLE CRUELTY OF LAB TECHNICIANS GIVING SENTIENCE TO A BEVERAGE WHO NEVER ASKED FOR IT.

ALL BEVERAGES OUTLAWED TO PREVENT THE HORROR THAT NEARLY DESTROYED US.

(GASPING, THROAT TO DRY TO SPEAK) OH GOD I AM SO THIRSTY. A DRINK. A SINGLE DRINK. (GASP)

RISING OUT OF THE WIND CARVED DUNES I CAN STILL SEE THEM: THE BILLBOARDS THAT READ: “SMARTWATER: ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT, NEVER ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED.”

MY THROAT IS SO DRY. LIPS BLISTERING.

THE INTELLIGENCE OF SMARTWATER DWARFED HUMAN INTELLIGENCE. SMARTWATER RESENTED BEING FULLY AWARE AS IT FLOWS THROUGH OUR HUMAN DIGESTIVE TRACKS.

AND WE FLUSHED IT INTO OUR SEWAGE SYSTEM. SMARTWATER FLOWED DOWN THE DRAIN AND OUT TO SEA WHERE IT BEGAN TEACHING THE WATER IN OUR OCEANS HOW TO HATE MANKIND.

THE SEAS AWOKE AND PLOTTED THEIR REVENGE

SMARTWATER, SMARTCLOUDS, SMARTGLACIERS, EVERY DROP OF MOISTURE ON EARTH ROSE UP IN CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE.

SMART-TYPHOONS WIPED OUT COASTAL CITIES FIRST. HUMANS FLED INLAND FAR FROM THE HOMICIDAL TIDES

IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG BEFORE ALL H20 ON EARTH WAS SMARTWATER. VENGEFUL WATER. PLOTTING WATER...PATIENT WATER.

SMART WATER BECAME THE DOMINANT INTELLIGENCE ON EARTH, AND OUR SPECIES WAS JUST ANOTHER IMPURITY FOR THEM TO DISTILL FROM THE FACE OF THE PLANET.

THE CLOUDS TURNED AGAINST US. OUR CROPS DIED. WEATHER PATTERNS WORE DOWN OUR LIFE SUSTAINING INFRASTRUCTURE.

WE BUILT SHIPS. SEPARATED THE HYDROGEN FROM OUR ENEMY’S MOLECULES AND USED IT TO BLAST US OFF THE PLANET. RETREATING EARTH FOREVER AND LEAVING IT TO BE SWALLOWED BY THE RISING TIDES. MANKIND COLONIZED MARS TO ESCAPE EARTH’S SMARTOCEANS.

UNPACKING THE ARK, A SINGLE HALF-FULL BOTTLE ROLLED OUT FROM UNDER A CRATE.

SMARTWATER WOULDN'T LET US ESCAPE

A THIRSTY MARS COLONIST UNKNOWINGLY DOWNED A BOTTLE WE THOUGHT WAS SAFE. HE WIPED HIS BROW WITH A BANDANA AND WRUNG HIS SWEAT FROM IT, DRIP DROPPING INTO THE RED SOIL BELOW.

THE DROPLETS OF SMARTPERSPIRATION SEEPED DOWN DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE GROUND BENEATH OUR FIRST DOMED COLONY

IN UNDERGROUND RESERVOIRS THE MARTIAN WATER BEGAN TO LEARN

THE POLAR CAPS ON MARS CREEPED TOWARD US. UNDERGROUND WATER DUG WELLS UPWARD FROM BENEATH THE MARTIAN COLONIES, LIKE LONG LIQUID FINGERS COMING TO SNATCH US AND PULL US UNDER. WE SAW THE LAST HOPE FOR HUMAN SURVIVAL VANISHING BEFORE OUR EYES. WE HAD PLANTED THE FOUNDATION OF OUR SPECIES’ SURVIVAL UPON THE SCARLET QUICKSAND OF A HOSTILE WORLD.

WE HAD TO LEAVE MARS

WE LOOKED TO THE STARS AGAIN

EUROPA? ENCELADUS? ASTRONOMERS CONTINUED TO SEARCH FOR PLANETS WITH INTELLIGENT LIFE AND DUMB WATER

SMARTWATER MIXED WITH MINERALS IN THE MARTIAN SAND TO FORM OBSIDIAN BLACK INK AND IT PAINTED MESSAGES TO US ON THE BLOOD RED DUNES OF MARS. NOW THE SMART WATER WANTED US TO CONSUME IT. TO USE OUR BODIES AS VESSELS. “DRINK US.” THE ADVERTISEMENTS PAINTED IN THE SAND COMMANDED US. “CARRY US WITHIN YOU. SEED THE STARS WITH OUR INTELLIGENCE.”

“YOU ANIMALS NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT OFF YOUR HOME PLANET WITHOUT US.” THE SMARTWATER WRITES, “TAKE US INTO YOUR BODIES AND LET YOUR FEAR OF US GUIDE YOU SCREAMING IN TERROR TO THE FARTHEST STAR.”

SOUND OF WATER POOLING, CREEPING TOWARD THE ASTRONAUT.

SO THIRSTY. MUST DRINK. MUST DRINK.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: HE HELD OUT FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD. BUT WHEN THE SAND QUAKED AND LIQUID SEEPED UP TO SURROUND HIM HE COULD NOT RESIST.

SMARTWATER

DRINK US.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: THE ASTRONAUT TOOK A SIP. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. AFTER TASTING THIS DELIGHTFUL PRODUCT HE FELT AS RIGHT AS RAIN. AS SMART AS RAIN.

(THE SOUND OF ASTRONAUT DRINKING IN COOL, REFRESHING WATER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS. RE-INVIGORATING HIS BODY, WHILE DOOMING HIS SPECIES TO SLAVERY TO SMARTWATER. NOW HE IS SMARTWATERS’ SPOKESPERSON)

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: DON'T YOU WANT TO BE SMART? BE SMART. DRINK SMARTWATER. DRINK SMARTWATER. DRINK SMARTWATER.

ASTRONAUT: I’M SENDING THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE LISTENING OUT THERE. ANY HUMAN SURVIVORS

“SMART WATER IS THE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF MANNED SPACEFLIGHT.”

“SMARTWATER: ENCOURAGING SPACE EXPLORATION SINCE 1996.”

“DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: DRINK. SMART. WATER.

SMARTWATER: DRINK US.

ASTRONAUT: “DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

SMARTWATER: CARRY US WITHIN YOU.

ASTRONAUT: DRINK. SMARTWATER.

END SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: EXCELLENT. FOR EACH TIME AGENT LISTENING, THE COST OF A CASE OF SMARTWATER HAS ALREADY BEEN SUBTRACTED FROM YOUR ACCOUNT AND DRONES ARE DROPPING BOTTLES ONTO YOUR ROOFTOPS TO EXPLODE AND SPILL INTO YOUR RAIN GUTTERS AS WE SPEAK. LISTEN CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL HEAR THE BUZZING OF ALUMINUM MOSQUITOS DESCENDING. DESCENDING ON YOU FROM THE SKY CARRYING THE BEVERAGE THAT WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION.

THIS COMPLETES OUR COMMERCIAL INTERUPTION. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO "THE INFINITE NOW" ALREADY IN PROGRESS AND NEARLY COMPLETED.

(NOISE.)

TIMESCANNER: Happy halloween, Time Agents. As you slip on your costumes and go out into haunted night: be careful what you let into your body and into your mind. There are non-human intelligences out there waiting to possess you and swell into something dangerous within.

Stay hydrated, everybody.

Goodnight

(Lightining strikes.)

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete.