1x06: THE PICKLED FAIRY OF POSSIBILITY

It's time for the unlikely to start happening. 

Written and produced by Richard R Penner. The Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. Music by Psychic Mold and Dr Quandary.

 

Transcript for 1x06 THE PICKLED FAIRY OF POSSIBILITY

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1383659 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: Jose Moldonado of Gualdalajara recently found a Fairy while picking guava fruit. The fairy died shortly after he captured it so he pickled it.

It could be a hoax, but I prefer to think about it like this

If our universe is infinite, then anything that can exist will exist, which means that everything we can imagine will exist somewhere out there. As our universe expands and exhausts all rational possibilities, there will be a point at which all reason will break down so that it can get to all the unreasonable phenomena that must happen eventually.

The universe has a checklist longer than it's own circumfrence and every time something crazy happens it runs a sharpee through another bullet point.

Fairy found, pickled.

(The sound of a felt tipped marker crossing off those last words in black ink.)

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.

(Temporal static.)

Transmission complete.

1x05: THE COMET BREEDER

The Timescanner interviews astrobiologist and comet breeder Vega Bancroft about her time captaining space pirates, making boots from killer eels, and helping comets get it on. Written and produced by Richard R Penner.

Vega Bancroft was performed by Eva Giselle. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface was Esther Adaire. Music was by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt, and Matthew Schoendorff.

cometbreeder

Transcript for 1x05 THE COMET BREEDER

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1380873 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE (CRYSTAL) Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

[noises]

CRYSTAL Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

TIMESCANNER Thank you for that introduction, Crystal. Welcome listeners. This is The Infinite Now. Each broadcast I bring you a different story from elsewhere in the endless expanse of space and time. Today I have an interview I did with astrozoologist Vega Bancroft.

[the hum of the time crystal fades away and is replaced by cool space animal noises]

TIMESCANNER Thanks for being on the show, Vega. That’s beautiful. What are we listening to?

VEGA It’s a recording I did when I was living on the back of an Alpha Centaurian Space Whale. What you’re hearing now is a Space Whale funeral procession. When one dies, the others in the pack guide the body to the center of the nearest galaxy and let their body be taken by a supermassive black hole. You can hear them in harmony singing farewell to their loved one one last time.

[noises]

And this was recorded in the jungles of New Europa. Careful. The screech of the siren vines is an auditory hypno-toxin.

TIMESCANNER (Voice Over) Vega has spent thousands of years studying wildlife in the universe. She lived alone on the hostile jungle planet Fangaroon studying the 1000-toothed hydra. She was there by herself for over human 3 lifetimes armed with nothing but a machete and her wits.

VEGA And a really fantastic pair of knee-high magnetic eel-hide boots. iridescent in subspectral hues. heels that could pierce (and have pierced) the plasteel skull of a charging neo-rhino.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega lived on the subarctic prison planet of Sorrow 397-B studying the so-called Great Dormant Beast, the deep-hybernating supermassive space manatee, asleep for 4 billion years around which the planet formed. She was there when the Dormant Beast Beast awoke and she survived when the planet burst apart. she floated on a shard of frozen tundra, essentially a sliver of icy eggshell adrift in the cosmos for the better part of a century before being discovered by the infamous Death Piercers, the most violent band of star pirates in the known universe. After defeating their leader in hand to hand combat Vega became the Captain of their murderous caravan and began teaching them exo-botany. Vega and the Death Piercers are responsible for discovering thousands of new botanical cures for diseases, including the lazarus root which has cured death itself. tastes like ginger ale to me. Can’t get enough of it.

I spoke with Vega over video. That means that the interior facets of my Time Crystal illuminated into a 360 degree video screen of the room Vega was in so I could see everything she could see.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega is on space observatory Kipling 7 just inside the Ferris Asteroid Belt surrounding Zeta Reticulii D and she's pointing out at the comet through the transparent aluminum walls. She has a green laser pointer and as she points to different features on the comet. the smart windows zoom in wherever she points.

TIMESCANNER Can you describe what we’re looking at now?

VEGA I’ve zoomed in on this one female comet so we could get a better view. She’s a beauty, right. Her orbit around this star probably takes about 300 years to come full circle. She’s mostly made of frozen gases and space dust. Most likely frozen carbon dioxide, with interplanetary particles of diamond and graphite, based on the blue leopard-like spots along her surface. She’s going to give birth to a gorgeous litter!

They're frozen because of the near absolute zero temperature of outer-space, but that doesn't stop them from having a sex life.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega’s past as a space pirate are mostly behind her. These days she is living a quieter life as a comet breeder.

VEGA Comets have a mating season just like everything else does. On planets the seasons are determined by the body's proximity and angle to the star they orbit. and the same is true of comets, even though they are independent of any planet. They have their own orbit so, comets ARE their own seasons. Comet mating season is in the summertime, or when their elliptical orbit brings them closest to the sun. This is when the female presents her tail.

VEGA The female comet tail’s plumage is not unlike that of a male peacock’s tail. it’s to attract the opposite sex. notice how the solar radiation lets the comet know it is summer and time to mate. The comet unfurls its plumage of vapor from it's body and let's it flap in the solar winds. Potential mates find this irresistible: the glitter in starlight, the gentle spray of ice crystals waving like feathers on the galactic breeze. The longer the tail the comet has the more attractive it will be to male comets. Through billions of years of sexual selection comets have been evolving to have longer and longer tails.

So, what about you, Timescanner? You’re from Earth’s 21th Century?

TIMESCANNER Originally, yes.

VEGA Not much comet breeding in Earth’s solar system. Halley's Comet in your home-town solar system is the most well known and she is a much older comet than the newer breeds we have here and thus Halley's tail is much shorter than one of the many we’re seeing right now surrounding Zeta Reticulii. Earthbound comet watchers would have hardly seen Halley’s tale at all during mating season.

TIMESCANNER (VO) Surrounding Vega’s observation station there were millions. Maybe billions of comets illuminating everything in a panorama of sparkling phosphorescent streaks, each comet tail snaking like a long dragon away from the sun. There were so many of them that I was hard pressed to find any blackness of space not lit up by a comet tail.

TIMESCANNER Wow. this is really amazing. Surrounding Earth's sun we only had a handful of comets. Why are there so many here?

VEGA (laughs) Because I'm breeding them here, silly. They tell me I’m the universe’s foremost expert on Comet Breeding. The problem with Comet-mating in the wild is that male comets, much smaller and without plumage, are very rare. and even where they do exist it, they have to wait for the star's gravity to eventually bump them together so they can begin the mating ritual. The time between a male first seeing a female present its tail and and finally catching up to her to engage in comet intercourse can be millions of years.

I like the chase of a budding romance as much as any gal, but a million years is maybe a bit too long.

so i speed things up!

I have my pirates on missions in the most remote corners of the galaxy rounding up male comets. The holds of the Death Piercer ships which used to hold gold and jewels, illicit contraband and hostages for ransom, but now they just carry male comets. They bring them to me and we use the ion cannons to blast them like cannonballs up against the female comets.

TIMESCANNER At this point Vega is motioning at the smart windows of the observation station and the windows zoom in on a ship closing in on a comet, tangled in its shimmering tail.

VEGA We blast the comet with some spin and just below the tail so we can send the comets into a spiral into each other’s microgravity.

[we hear this in action]

if we were to make a time lapse of this we would see the male and female comets in a million year dance. The two bodies circle each other and become entwined with each other, eventually becoming frozen together as the male body adheres to the ice of the larger female. Eventually the new larger body they had form will shatter apart into hundreds of smaller comets. The original male and female no longer exist, but have sacrificed themselves to become a whole litter of infant comets. In time the litter of baby comets will grow, accumulating more ice in deep space, until one day the females will be large enough to display their own tales when they near the solar radiation of Zeta Reticulii. And the process starts all over again.

TIMESCANNER Would you mind if I speed up time so we can see this in action?

VEGA By all means

[sound effects and wonderful atmospheric ambient music]

TIMESCANNER Wow

VEGA Yeah.

TIMESCANNER (VO) The iceballs that we call comets suddenly made me think of spider eggs and I remember the ending of a book I read as a child: Charlotte’s Web. In it there was a motherly spider who we grow to love because she nurtures the self esteem of the main character, a pig named Wilbur by saying nice things about him in the patterns of her webs. Spoiler alert: the motherly spider dies at the end. but after she’s gone she is replaced by several baby spiders who hatch out of an egg she left behind. The promise of something new and the recognition of death’s place in the cycle of life. I wonder what words of encouragement may be spelled out by the flight paths of these infant comets as they spiral around each other and then branch off into their own elliptical orbits.

VEGA Terrific!

TIMESCANNER Some Pig.

[a moment in silence and music]

TIMESCANNER (VO) Vega, I want to thank you for coming on my show. This has been really wonderful.

VEGA Anytime, Timescanner.

TIMESCANNER I hope to have you back on the show soon to talk about more of the studies you’ve done.

VEGA Great! I have some killer stories about when the pirates and I slayed the Psychotic Boltzman Brain of System Kepler 438-B.

TIMESCANNER Oh. I can’t wait. When did that happen?

VEGA 6. maybe 7 thousand years ago?

TIMESCANNER I’ll be in touch with your past self about that soon.

VEGA She will be thrilled. I will soon previously have been thrilled by that.

TIMESCANNER Thanks again. Until last time.

VEGA Until last time, Timescanner.

TIMESCANNER And until next time, Time Agents. Keep your temporal radios hidden from local civilians but also keep the dial tuned in to this frequency and I’ll bring you more stories from this endless moment that stretches to everywhere and lasts forever. As you know, The Infinite Now never ends, we just go off the air between broadcasts. So long.

CRYSTAL This has been and will always be The Infinite Now. Transmission complete.

1x04: THE BIG RAID

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning whether or not you are succeeding at life. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Noises by Psychic Mold. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire. This episode also features music by Brad Smith.

donationstheguildbank.jpg

Transcript for 1x04 THE BIG RAID

Transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1378324 THE BIG RAID originally broadcast to Earth, Feb 10, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: Other factors with which we could judge the success of life, such as happiness or having a positive impact on the world, are impossible to quantify. When we focus on these things we get confused and lose our way. So we substitute wealth as a clear and quantifiable goal and pretend that success is a hierarchical system.

To join the quest for wealth is a Role Playing Game.

Your deposit slip is the gold spilled after slaying an orc. Graduating to a new tax bracket is leveling up. Watch your net worth closely. How many hit points do you have left? What are your vital stats? Your diversified investment portfolio is your arsenal of swords, maces, and battle axes. Splurging on some Armani chain mail may be a necessary expense. It ups your clout points by 50 and grants you access to the forbidden temple where the dragons with the real treasure wait to be slain. Are you ready for that big raid or are you hoping to pay off our mortgage first?

Are you winning at life?

(temporal static.)

TIE CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Transmission complete.

1x03: RED TAPE LIMBO

red-tape.jpg

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning HOW TO GET INTO HEAVEN. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold. The voice of the Time Crystal Interface is Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x03 RED TAPE LIMBO

Annotated transcript from episode #1024495 of The Infinite Now: RED TAPE LIMBO originally broadcast to Earth on Feb 4, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: hear there's a lot of red tape to get into heaven. Did you get all the proper forms stamped and submitted in triplicate? A typo could mean an eternity in hell. My uncle Steve was accidentally issued two different account numbers and until both are cleared he will be stuck in limbo.

Limbo is the land where hold music is streamed from.

1x02: YOUR AUNT BETH

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning alternate the economic structures of alternate timelines and how they effect your Aunt Beth. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold. Voices by Richard R Penner and Esther Adaire.

 

Transcript for 1x02 YOUR AUNT BETH

Annotated transcript of episode #997465 of The Infinite Now: YOUR AUNT BETH. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, January 25, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

TIMESCANNER: There is an alternate universe where hyperinflation has rendered the US dollar worthless, but he demand for limited edition Beanie Babies has continued to rise since the mid 90's. Instead of wallets, people carry around backpacks filled with plush animal friends to barter with.

Every transaction is a sentimental goodbye.

In this universe your Aunt Beth is living like Jay-Fucking-Z.

(temporal static.)

THE TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Transmission complete.

1x01: THE LEAP SECOND 2015

The TIMESCANNER brings you Easy-To-Follow instructions on how to claim the extra second of time that the Temporal Revenue Service owes you today.

(This episode was originally meant to be listened to starting at 11:48pm GMT to culminate precisely with the Leap Second at 11:59:60PM)

Music in the episode was by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, and Aliceffekt. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Voices by Richard R Penner and Esther Adaire.

Transcript for 1x01 THE LEAP SECOND 2015

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #974745 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

TIMESCANNER: Hello, I’m the Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

Today’s broadcast is a special report for those time agents who are stationed under cover in the year 2015. You’re stuck in this dismal present. And out of all the billions of years from the big bang to where I’m stationed, some might say imprisoned, at the Heat death of the universe You in the 21st century are in one of the most unpleasant times imaginable. You are on the frontlines of the causal war. spies caught over enemy lines just before the shit hits the fan.

The date of this transmission is June 30th 2015 and it is a special day as many of you know.

Today there will be an extra second added to your perception of time. This will happen at the moment the clock strikes 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time. The Leap Second.

This added unit of Time may seem lake an addition, an added moment of ecstasy in bed with your lover, but on the other hand it could be an extra second at your menial place of employment. an extra moment to push a few more buttons. that much closer to your next pellet in the old Rat Race.

Let me lead you through the intricacies of Time Law to determine which of these options you will get to do.

Know that from your perspective while stationed within the mortal one-way stream of existence any time added on this plane may seem like a gift, but depending on how you have spent or been re-payed with Time in the past year will determine how this extra second in time must be spent.

You see, as much as you may want to spend this extra moment reading quietly by yourself or playing tag with your kids or maybe you want to spend the leap second having one more moment holding the hand of a soon-to-be lost loved one, you may still actually owe that extra moment in taxes. You may still need to sacrifice this extra second to the Corporate Deities that rule your Time-Bound Existence.

As you may be unfamiliar with the mechanics of Time Tax Law, let me be your guide through this ritual. I will metaphorically walk you up the steps of a sacrificial pyramid and teach you how to submit to Them so that They may take this moment of your life from you in the fashion that will bring them the most profit. Will be most lucrative to the interests of the monopolistic entity your universe knows as TIME ITSELF.

Or who knows. Maybe you’ll get a refund.

Consider the so-called “Extra Moments” added to your time on Earth. A Leap Second, a Leap Day, Changes to daylight savings time, The Terran “Day Outside of Time” held between the 13th moon and first moon of subsequent year in the Galactic Synchronization Calendar. Consider these “extra moments to be like your American “Tax Day” on April 15th of each year.

All year you’ve been feeding Time into The System. You’ve been feeding time into the system that devours you day by day. Every moment at an unfulfilling job, waiting at the DMV, Every moment stuck in traffic, waiting for your twitter feed to refresh. You’ve paid a lot of time into the system this year!

Every moment of your year devoted to serving another’s will is a moment you’ve already paid into the Time Devouring System. Every moment you’ve taken to breathe deeply and appreciate your existence, to invest in the love of those around you, Every moment used to put in time and work to achieve the potential of your true self: these are the benefits you’ve already received from space-time. We will call this Beneficial Time.

Ok. Now.

Deduct your Beneficial Time from the time you’ve sacrificed to The System. The sum that you come up with will show you what you owe or are owed by Time Itself.

What did you come up with? Did you get a refund this year?

Good! I thought you might!

Let me walk you through the ritual to file your return and claim the moment that the system owes back to you.

Are you ready?

Ok. Cross reference the number of seconds this past year you have over-payed with the Galactic Time Bracket in the back of the Time Tax Return instruction book your parents were given at the moment of your birth but which they never passed along to you. If you don’t have this table you will have to do the following: since everyone on your plane is devoured by Time at the same rate: one second per second, you’ll have to consult with a good astrologer. if Tarot cards are used I recommend a good triangular geometry of fate deck or an Aramchek Arcana deck. If those are unavailable to you, a traditional Thoth or Rider-Waite deck will do.

Ok. Do you have the cards in front of you? Cut the cards. draw.

Look deeply into this card. Look through the card even. Does the card you drew remind you of a dream you’ve recently had? Or a memory you are not quite sure is a memory?

Remember this for later.

Your Time Tax Bracket won’t have a quantitative range. Which column you belong in will manifest itself as this abstract, static image that you just received within your mind.

Take a clean piece of paper. Cut your paper in half so that it is roughly 8 1/2 by 5 1/2 inches. I want you to describe the image carried within the dream or memory that you just received: I want you to describe it in 3 words only. All Caps Please. Write it onto the piece of paper. This is your Form A365-EZ. Fold your form A365-EZ into the paper airplane of your choosing representing the one directional movement of time’s arrow.

 

Take a photograph of this form for your own records. (Nobody thinks that they are going to be audited until the Temporal Revenue Service shows up at their door. just to be safe. take a picture) Since I am acting as your accountant this year feel free to tweet this photo of you with your Time Return Form to me @timescanner on twitter.

Now to file.

The Temporal Revenue Service (TRS) will retrieve the form from your body in the next 24 hour cycle while Time Itself continues to devour you incrementally. So what the TRS needs to do is get the information carried on the form into of your body.

Don’t worry. This isn’t nearly as bloody or intimate as it sounds.

If you are an early filer you can do it the old fashioned way and you can tattoo an image of the paper airplane that you folded along with the three word phrase your unconscious mind conjured from the tarot card somewhere on your body.

For the rest of us who are always scrambling last minute: here’s how you e-file.

Pour a pint glass with ice cold water about 3/4 full and submerge the paper, still in airplane form into the glass of water. once the paper starts to turn translucent, drink from the glass. Drink as much as you can, but you needn’t finish the whole glass.

Good. Now your relative surplus or debt of Beneficial Time is recognized by your body and by Time Itself.

Since YOU got a refund this year. get ready to enjoy One extra Second of Leap Second 2015 in a way that best serves your true purpose and will on this planet in this very moment.

Get Ready.

Are you ready?!

You may want to play this recording right at the stroke of 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time for full effect. Everyone else is getting ready to enjoy this second too. Maybe you can hear them. The millions prepared to enjoy a whole second of Refund Time. Cheering. Gathering their loved ones to share it with them. Can you hear them? Can you hear them? Can you?

Well ignore them! This moment has nothing to do with them. This moment is for you!. One entire second for you to set yourself on fire with the pure apocalyptic energy of your True Potential.

Countdown.

Can you feel it coming? YOUR moment churning up from deep inside you?

3

2

1

(cacophony builds)

(silence for one second)

(sound effects come back)

(beat)

(sighs) I hope that was good for you.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.

(temporal radio static)

Transmission complete.